POCKET LINT.

The Lint Collector: Bachelorette First Dates!

I know this is probably slightly wrong/weird, but I found this photo on-line of Emily and her ex-fiance Ricky.  She looks sort of drunk actually.  Anyway ... this is the guy.  So maybe she likes blonds?

Anyway, on with the show!  Let the second episode begin!  (Especially since I'm not sure I'll get to all these recaps with the book stuff I need to do over the next few months to get ready for the release!)

EPISODE 2

What can I say?  At this point, I feel like all the guys look alike and I can barely tell one from the other.  They all have big necks and v-neck t-shirts and weird spiky hair.  Otherwise, there is so much to learn about each and every one of them!  For instance, will the football player Ryan ever stop doing his hair that way, why does he think that's a good idea and how much wax does it actually take to de-hair all those steroid-happy pecks?

Anyway ... Emily is happy because she's in Charlotte, NC, which is her "town" and she feels comfortable there.  I have to say, she actually looks less manicured and more comfortable too.  I'm liking it.

First, we see her chatting with her "mom group" and they look surprisingly diverse as types.  I'm sure they don't usually get together in the park without all their kids to discuss who is picking up Ricki from soccer practice, but you know.  We'll suspend disbelief just this once, since the rest of the show is so realistic.

ONE-ON-ONE #1

Emily is rebuffing the helicopters for a version of "real life" on her first date with Ryan.  They're going to make cookies in her kitchen.  He says he didn't expect this, but he's willing to do anything.  Willing but not psyched?  Hmm.  Questionable.  She's impressed that he went along with it, as if he had a choice?

The guys back at the house think she looked "real" when she picked up Ryan ... in a good way.  And Ryan, on the date, says he's honored to be part of Emily Maynard's day.  He says her full name like she's famous or something, which I guess she sort of is.  Then they go on a date out to dinner.  For some reason there's a humongous crowd outside and a red carpet.  I guess not a lot goes on in NC?

Emily says she's going to ask the "hard questions" and she grills this guys right upfront.  Slow down, girl.  It's still a first date!!  I mean, that guy would be running for the hills, if he wasn't on TV.  Have a cocktail!  Take a load off!

Anyway, she gives him the rose though she worries that he's too perfect.  Um.  Did you not see his HAIR?

I'm already thinking there is not going to be a lot of hot tub action in this season.  She's controlled to say the least.  Meanwhile, her southerness is bringing out the southern in him too.  Accents all day long.  One of her "favorite" bands (she's probably actually never heard of) plays for them, which is even more awkward because of all the preteens taking pictures of the couple dancing with their camera phones.  At least they're slow dancing and not like rocking out.

GROUP DATE:

Three words: Muppets. Charity. Theater.  Charlie (the brain damaged guy) is too nervous about his speech issues (which seem nonexistent to the untrained eye) to do the stand up comedy he's been assigned.  Between that and the singing and dancing, it all seems designed to humiliate anyway.  I mean, what guy would want to do a kick line with Muppets on a first date?

Emily is nervous because her mother and daughter are in the audience.  I guess she won't introduce the men to her daughter, but she will let her see her mother and all the men in a show?  Does that make sense?  I have no idea.  I mean, what do I know about six year olds?

Meanwhile, Charlie is losing his shite because he has such anxiety about his brain damage sitch.  I feel bad for him.  I wonder if he was always kind of shy.  I don't know why, but I sort of think so.  Actually, if you think about it, this WHOLE thing is like being on stage, so it's sort of funny that he's nervous in front of like 200 people.  Millions of people are watching him all the time.  But that's different, I guess.

They dress Emily in a pink sparkly sequined skirt and now she really looks like a Barbie.  She seriously cannot sing, so I sort of give her props for trying.  Kermit gives some earnest Bachelorette feedback, which is weirdsville.

During the after party, I feel like we're seeing Emily's more aggressive flirty side with some of the dudes and I like it!  She's practically intimidating them, which is genius.  She is not meek and she tells three of them that she's worried they don't like her.  With Ashley that would have seemed insecure, but with Emily it seems almost manipulative and flirty like she's complimenting them into liking her.

Helicopter dude (he showed up that way on Episode 1) is making waves with the other guys not surprisingly.  That's his whole thing, right?  He's the season's scapegoat clearly and, although he is annoying, as usual it's lame the way they pick on him.

First impression rose goes to Jef!  Emily liiiikes him.  She thinks he's too cool for her and she's into it.  He does totally stand out from the other dudes.  No big neck.  No macho frat boy.  No exaggerated southern accent.  But they seem super different.

ONE-ON-ONE #2:

This date is with Joe, which means that she's tackling bad hair twice in one week.  He has the long Michael Landon meets Miami Vice do.  Eek.  They're going to her home state of West Virginia.

They head to this resort and Emily is wearing a bikini with bows on it and then later a Scarlett O'Hara dress for dinner.  She says there is a spark missing a.k.a. Joe is not as hot as the other guys.  When she sends him home at the end of the date, he seems a little mad.  Maybe it's because she blind-sided him or maybe it's because he's like, "Why are YOU crying? You just dumped me!"

COCKTAIL PARTY:

At the cocktail party, Ryan gives Emily a 300,000,000 page letter with words in it like "furthermore" and "possess" that he definitely found in a dictionary.  I'm not into this guy.  He's ful of crap.  Just saying.

The guys think helicopter guy is trying to show his dominance with his vocabulary.  Or maybe that's just how he talks.  God forbid he be educated.

Then Emily sends some dudes home.  I'd love to tell you who, but I have no clue who any of them are yet.  All I know is she kept the two Latin dudes, who are named Alejandro and Alessandro respectively.

Best line of the episode: If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you're a guy, then you're a &%&$#.

My top picks for the final four:

1. Arie: The race car driver.

2. Ryan: The football player.

3. The guy with the kid (What's his name? Whatever - the guy who got the first impression rose.)  Doug maybe?

4. The water charity guy Jef.

Wild Card: Sean, the guy who didn't get a date.  I say helicopter guy goes deep too.

Who is on your final four???  Make your guesses now!

xo - N.

THE BEST (Well, First) JACKET COVER!

Usually the jackets I get excited about have zippers or buttons.  This one is a little different: It's the jacket cover for my book Semi-Charmed Life!

I am beyond psyched and not just because my name appears to be spelled correctly.  (My worst fear was that it will be wrong, which you no doubt understand if you went through life with a name anything like "Zelevansky.")  It's all getting a bit more real as I get closer to the release date.

Anyway, here's it is on the wooden floor of my living room.

And here it is below in black and white ... because I have lost my mind and can't think about anything else.

That high-level distraction is ALSO why I missed this first Bachelorette recap post.  I know some of my friends and fellow fans feel like Emily is too much to take, but I am on board.  One episode in and I'm already hooked.  Plus, after Ben F. and Ashley H., I feel like I need this as a palate cleanser.  The Bachelor and Bachelorette should be all Southern or Middle American and Barbie and Ken-like, I think.  It works best like this.

xo - N.

P.S. If you'd like to find out about my upcoming book readings in various cities, you can become a fan of my author page on FB and you'll get alerted to all that information!  (Who am I?  It's so weird to say things like this!)

 

SEMI-CHARMED LIFE (AND BEYOND): The Best (and, Okay, Only) First Review

 

 

Here ye!  Here ye!  (Or whatever.)  Yesterday I opened what I thought was a run-of-the-mill Google Alert and found the first review of my book, SEMI-CHARMED LIFE (coming to a store near you or on the World Wide Web on July 3rd, 2012, but available for pre-order now) in Publisher's Weekly!

Throughout my years as a freelance writer, I've certainly heard the (sometimes not so censored, forgiving or sane) complaints of Internet audiences.  As many of us have experienced in different capacities even when simply reading the "Comments" section of an online article, constructive criticism notwithstanding, people are in a word, brutal.

But this is the first time that I have merited a formal review.  (I totally got snubbed when I played Morgan le Fay in that 5th grade production of King Arthur, but that's another story.)

Anyway, when I read this very first book review I was essentially vibrating with anticipation and I cannot tell you how happy and high I was that it was not downright mean.  Who knows what I imagined, but all I can tell you is that I am very appreciative of this response to the book, which feels fair and direct.  Not at all below the belt.

So, I guess, danka.  A million times, Danka.  And now I must say adieu.  Or as Morgan le Fay would say, "I bid thee goodnight!"  And then she'd cackle.  You know she would.

Okay.  I have officially lost it.

xo - N.

PS Did I mention that THE BACHELORETTE is starting?????  I mean, SIGN.ME.UP.

It's Been A While: Shameless Self-Promotion

If this post is incoherent, it's because I've finally succumbed to exhaustion.  Someone send me to one of those resorts/rehab facilities for celebrities, where I can go drink cucumber water and let other people take care of all my crap!

Who knew that setting the stage for a book release was so much work?  I guess it isn't unless you make it that way.  There's just an endless amount of things you can do to try to promote a novel and, though I'm sure some amount of it doesn't work, you want to exhaust every possible opportunity.  At least I do.  Still, I'm not complaining because I'm beyond excited (and not suave enough to hide it), but ... I am tiiiiiiired.

Anyway, all that sleepiness certainly disappeared for a hot second, when Vicki, my editor at St. Martin's Press, sent me the above book cover, which is close to the finished version.  Yay!  I'm especially grateful for the effusive blurb from writer Molly Jong.  It's just so comforting to get positive feedback at this juncture. 

I've taken to Googling myself and the title, Semi-Charmed Life, kind of consistently (yeah, whatever, I admit it) to see if there are any new developments online.  That's how I discovered that I'd been added to Goodreads and, just this week, that the book seems to be available for pre-order at Target.com.  LOVE me some, Targé!  That was very exciting for me.

Meanwhile, I've been a busy bee, trying to pay my rent by writing the usual journalism stuff.  Here are some potentially fun reads from the bunch (maybe?):

For Style.com, a round-up of new spring spa treatments.

My Dame Magazine story on giving up cilantro for a year to become a millionaire and also a story on why smart women like "bad" TV.

A Huffington Post story on how I can't tell the difference between Park Slope and Portland.

My Huffington Post interview with Project Runway All Stars winner, Mondo!

A short interview for C Magazine with famous oncologist Dr. Agus about his new book, The End of Illness.

An interview with the goat farmer and creator of Laloo Ice Cream.

That's all for now!  Excuse me while I go pass out.

xo - N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Chooses His Bachelorette

You guys hardly need a recap of the most predictable Bachelor finale in history (Thanks for NOTHING, US Weekly), ultimately starring the two biggest narcissists on planet Mars.

But no season is complete without a few closing thoughts.  At the very least, we must acknowledge this episode's most brilliant and traumatic moments, not the least of which was Ashley Hebert's reappearance. (I hate to hate on her because it's such low hanging fruit, but ohmylord was she always that annoyingly perky?  How does JP stand her?  And when did she get so skinny?)

ANYWAY ... Top Ten highlights in no particular order:

1. It's never fun to get dumped.  But you know what's worse than that?  Getting dumped on national television while inexplicably wearing a green velvet cape.  (I think that may be even worse than getting dumped via text—one last time, people: "Welcome to Dumpsville, population you!")  Poor Lindzi.  She never even gets her moment to pepper Ben with questions, answered with unsatisfactory grunts.  I'm sure she's walking around wondering why men always disappoint her.  If I had her number, I'd call her up and offer this advice, "This might not happen if you stopped dating douche bags."

2. When Courtney emerged from the helicopter wearing leather gloves with her gown, did anyone else wonder for a moment if she planned to strangle Ben, if he chose someone else?

3. When Ben's sister, donning a few super strategically styled snow bunny get-ups, confirmed that Courtney was really "honest" about her experience with the other women in the house.

4. When Ben's mother tried not to stare at the volcanic zit on poor Lindzi's chin, as they talked about "opening up" to Ben.

5. When Courtney was filmed "just waking up" in a cotton teddy that no one has EVER worn to sleep alone.

6. When Lindzi apologized to Ben for taking a while to open up emotionally and Ben told her (in his ever condescending tone) that he knew she'd eventually "get there."  Really?  Instead of being gratious, you're going to suggest that she's just not as developed as you?

Then, when Ben dumps Lindzi at the altar (hypocritically "pulling an Ashley" with a misleading confession of love before breaking the "bad" news) and she says she feels mad at herself because she couldn't be what he needed, he doesn't even have the grace to mutter, "It's not your fault."  Zero class, that guy.

7. When Ben admits to noticing Courtney skipping obnoxously back to the group after receiving roses.  And thinking that's still the woman he loves.

8. Courtney's weirdly inconsistent reactions and blank eyes in response to Chris Harrison's questions, suggesting a disassociation and confirming my theory that she might be a sociopath.  If I were Ben, I'd hide the knives.  Just saying.  (The Bachelor franchise may be overdue for a scandal of that magnitude, considering all the crazies involved.  It's a wonder that it hasn't happened so far.)

9. My favorite element of the entire finale was the audience during "After The Finale Rose."  Never have I seen so many blond women, shaking their heads and rolling their eyes at each other.  Brilliant!  Well done, ladies!  No one is fooling you with crocodile tears.  I concur.

10. When Chris Harrison opens "After The Rose" by asking the studio and home audience to reserve judgement, so that the couple can speak freely.  "What are people going to do," asked my friend S.B.  "Throw rocks?"

Bonus: Ben's weird vest!  What cat dragged that thing in?

In conclusion, I'd like to say that, while Ben's hair looked better during "After The Rose" because it wasn't flat-ironed or limp from a keratin straightening treatment, he still needs to cut it.  Ultimately, I was dead wrong about Ben F. "The Wine Guy," as he was among my favorites on Ashley's season.  He is truly the most insufferable bachelor in history (worse than Jake!) and I wonder if Chris Harrison agrees.  (You know you can't stand him, Chris!)

Courtney and Ben deserve each other, as they're both all about feeling victimized or (in Ben's case) superior, as opposed to examining their own culpability.

I give them three months. The other ladies with whom I watched predicted the couple would last six months, a year and forever respectively.  What do you think?  How long will these jerkos stay together?

xo - N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Is Now "The Courtney Show"

I realize that this post is a day late (and possibly several dollars short), but Time Warner Cable must have a vendetta against me because my TV literally went out 30 seconds into the episode.  Is that some kind of sign that I'm killing brain cells or does Chris Harrison remotely control my DVR and this was the only way to shut me up?

I wish.

DATES

Anyhoo, it's all about The Bachelor's upcoming hometown date, so this time in Belize is just gravy en route there. (Yum.  Gravy.)  I'm a little surprised that they didn't visit the rain forest, but I guess it's harder to go shirtless there, so what's the point?

I'll make this short and sweet since I'm tardy anyway:  The ladies are informed that there won't be roses on the one-on-one dates; only on the group sitch.  First, Ben has a one-on-one with Lindzi, who still insists on spelling her name that way.

She's chill.  He likes her.  Blah, blah, blah.  She reminds me of every girl who likes horses a ton.

Next, he has a one-on-one with Emily, which sends Courtney "the model" into tearful talking heads.  Wow.  This is the first proof that we have that she's possibly human and not some kind of evil model-bot.  If you never watched the show before, you might almost think she was a normal person.  Almost.

Courtney is upset because she hates Emily (who Ben insists on keeping around) and she hasn't gotten a one-on-one date in a while, but I think - as opposed to being sad because she wants to spend time with Ben - she's actually bummed like a bratty child refused a toy.  That or she's on the rag.

Emily and Ben have a date that seems fine, but sort of formal and like there might not be tons of attraction there.  Plus, I don't believe for a hot second that he actually wants to date someone smarter than him.  Although dating dumber definitely shrinks the pool.

Whether or not she's smarter remains to be seen though, since she calls Ben "spontaneous."  Really?  Again with this pretending the producers don't plan the dates and didn't plant that lobster guy?

Next, Courtney does in fact get the third one-on-one date.  She tells Ben how much she hates Emily and the other girls, but for some reason this is not cause to condescend to the model-bot lie he did with Emily.  Instead he fawns over Courtney.  She smartly tells him she isn't sure she feels it for him anymore, so he feels like he's pursuing her.  He practically flat out tells her that he wants to pick her.  He seems desperate.  Model-bots can do that to half-men.

Toward the end of the date, Courtney says she feels "the spark" for him again and Ben tells the camera (America!) that he thinks it's a good sign that she was able to get the spark reignited so quickly.  Yeah, Ben.  Or it's a fucking TERRIBLE sign that she lost interest that quickly in the first place.  Moron.

He says he wants a woman "with edge" and who is "weird," which is just clueless lamo speak for "I'm attracted to crazies" and that's true of every guy who isn't actually ready to have a real relationship.  Boooring.  Could you BE more predictable? [Spoken like Chandler Bing.]

The group date is shark swimming with Rachel, Kacie B. and Nicky.  They're woken up at 4am by Ben unexpectedly.  (Considering how some of those girls probably look without makeup, I'm surprised he didn't send them ALL home.)  They're given time to get dressed, put on makeup and, yes, shave their pits before heading out on a boat.  Ben spends lots of time with Rachel, but we all know she's going home.

Kacie B. confesses her love for him in that awkward way that happens on The Bachelor because he's literally not allowed to say anything in return.  They kiss and then stare at each other in uncomfortable silence until she says, "Surprise!"  That makes me laugh.  Kacie B. gets the group date rose, which means he's going to meet her family, which he says is because she poured her heart out, but is really because she's only one of the three who he actually likes.  Or maybe he's always wanted to see Tennessee.

The girls warn Ben about Courtney, which he is totally not going to hear.  In a talking head, Courtney says she's not threatened by Kacie B.  "She's a little girl in a little boy's body," she quips before complaining that the other girls are catty.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Then, it's the cocktail party, which doesn't happen because Ben has already decided.  He does pull Courtney aside to ask if she's sincerely interested in him.  She says, yes.  That's surprising.

In the end, he sends home Rachel and Emily and offers them no explanation and doesn't walk them out.  Because he has no class.  And once again I'm sort of missing Brad and his therapist.  At least he was trying to better himself.  Maybe he dismissed Emily because Courtney is holding the reigns or maybe it's because he didn't want to jump her bones (literally - she is so skinny).  Either way, she's bye bye.

Meanwhile, Courtney endures of course because she's the world's best TV, except I'd really love to see him glimpse her insanity and react BIG.  If he chooses her, he's in for a rude awakening.  But maybe that's what Ben needs.  That and a kick in the head.

xo - N.

The Lint Collector: Scoop! (No Spoiler -- Don't Worry!)

Apparently, this image is from some upcoming event post-Bachelor season!

I'm not even sure what to say.  Any thoughts?  I guess they're all single except Ashley.

xo - N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor or "Despicable Ben"

Holy shite.  Holy shite.  Holy shite.

This week, on the most unwatchable and cringe-worthy episode in Bachelor history, many interesting things happened.  But I only know about half of them because I literally couldn't bring myself to watch the humiliation.  I had to avert my eyes.

Anyway, here goes:

The crew arrives in Panama City and Ben says they're starting off fresh ... again.  It sounds like he's hoping.  I am watching with my friend A.P., who is basically a dating expert, and she calls it right away: Ben is feeling both distracted and guilty about the Courtney skinny dipping.  I totally agree.  On one hand he's obsessed; on the other he feels like he broke the rules or betrayed the other chicks.

One-On-One

Anyway, Ben & Kacie B. go on her second one-on-one date.  Courtney "the model" hopes the sweet and innocent Tennessee girl will get sent home, but that is so not happening yet.  Kacie B. & Ben F. go to some deserted island by ... helicopter.  What else?  When he reveals the date plan, I think I even detect a note of irony from him.  Or maybe he's just constipated.

Anyway, they cut open a coconut, she thinks he's hot and everything seems basically fine, except he seems a little grumpy and distant and he barely touches her.  He doesn't crack a smile.  Does he not feel it anymore?  Is he burnt out on the process?  Does her innocence seem lame in the face of Courtney's midnight hand jobs?

There's only one clear answer to that bevvy of questions and extreme over-analysis: He's just not that into her!

Maybe I'm just not that into him.

I dunno, man.  I just think he's an asshole.  He's condescending and arrogant and believes his own hype and he's too cocky about being the object of a model's affection to notice that Courtney is out of her gourd.  I've decided he's almost as bad as weird aggressive Jake Pavelka.  What say you?

Anywaaaaay, Kacie B. reveals - in answer to some very clipped and rapid fire questions from Ben - that she's particularly mature because she used to have an eating disorder.  And in case you were wondering which one, she reveals that her parents "caught" her in the act.  T.M.I. for The Wine Guy?  Ben can't send her home in the face of that information, but he seems like maybe he wants to -- which I admit is very surprising to me.  I usually think he likes this girl. Maybe he's just bummed about the state of his hair, but it sort of seems like he wants to send everyone home and take a nap.  No sense of humor this guy.  He has the vibe of a spoiled child, all sour.

Group Date

The group date is a canoe trip and Ben perks up (no pun) at the sight of Courtney's boobs, when they all put on traditional garb and she chooses to go without a cover-up under intermittent beads.  Ben thinks this is great because she gets into the spirit of things and also he gets to see her boobs.  But she clearly hasn't embraced anything cultural because she just walks around shaking her exposed breasts at everyone back-and-forth and then looking down and admiring them.  She even shimmies them at a group of small children.  Ew.

As usual, she monopolizes Ben's time, but it's Lindzi who gets the rose.  He likes that the horse girl is laid back.  And who can blame him?  At least she's not drama.  They both agree that they don't believe in fighting, which is weird because he seems filled with rage.  Also, fighting isn't like Santa Claus.  It's not really a debatable thing.

Meanwhile, Jamie (Who? Yes, I know, you've never seen her before!) decides to try to come out of her shell and kiss Ben, but gets distracted when Courtney intentionally struts around in a white bathing suit behind them.  She is so painfully obvious that I can't believe Ben can't see through her crap, but then maybe he doesn't care because she's so pretty.  I want to believe that better men would find her pathetic despite the hotness, but - let's be honest - maybe not.  This is going to sound weird, but I think Brad would have sent her home by now.

Meanwhile, after being condescended to yet again by Ben, who actually hates the fact that she's smarter than him despite claiming the opposite, Emily the Ph.D. apologizes to Courtney for having bad mouthed her (who knows why?).  Courtney seems at first like she might accept, but then informs her blond nemesis that she's not just going to "bend over."

Class. Act.

Two-On-One

The next day is a two-on-one with Blakely (The "VIP Cocktail Waitress" a.k.a. escort) and Rachel-with-the-bangs.  That means that one person has to be sent home during the date.  Blakely is at least feigning bizarre excitement over the date, even though everyone watching is like - bye bye.  So obvious that she won't last.

The date happens.  They salsa dance, which Ben says is "sweaty and sexual."'  Blakely is better because, well, I think she's a stripper, no?  Plus, she can stomp, remember?  It's awkward.  But it's not THAT awkward until Blakely pulls out a scrapbook all about Ben that looks like a project some pre-teen girl made in middle school detention.  Maybe in special ed.  Sorry.  But it's true.  It's humiliating enough that she's a grown woman spending her time doodling his name, but then she can't stop crying too.

Then they do this:

Then, what seems like two minutes later and not a trick of editing, he sends her packing.  It's a bad scene.  I mean, why would you stick your tongue down her throat, just to send her home?  He had to know what he was doing by then!  He so has no right to fault Ashley H. for letting him get on one knee.

Anyway, he walks Blakely to the van and she sobs on his shoulder.  Seriously.  She won't let go.  Of course, he uses his signature suave line, which OBVIOUSLY makes the girls feel worse: "I'm just so much farther along with other women."  Do you always have to say "SOOOO," Ben?  I wish one of them would tell him off.  I want to write him a letter.

Scandal

Anyway, next the girls are hanging out, when Chris Harrison comes in and asks to speak to the other Kacie.  Kacie H.?  Kacie S?  Who knows?  Again, you're probably saying, wait who???  This is Courtney's blonde beta, who basically never talks or gets on camera. Chris Harrison says he's heard she's still in love with someone else in Chicago, but I think this is a reach.  It turns out that she has an ex-boyfriend who won't marry her, who she's trying to get over.

Chris brings her to see Ben and tell him and, because Ben F. is SUCH A DOUCHE, he's really mean to her about it.  She ugly cries and we have to watch her sob incoherently about a relationship at home that seriously has no bearing at all on the show.  "Maybe I need to be in therapy," she wails and I think she has a good point.  But she didn't come on under false pretenses.  She just wanted to be free of this former attachment.  But Ben is pissy.  He tells her he thinks she should go home, as if he's commanding it, even though she's obviously already going home.  That's why she's THERE, stupid.  Stop trying to act like it was your decision.

This guy blows.

Cocktail Party

Anyway, just when you thought things couldn't get more pathetic, Jamie decides to make her move at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony.  She gets Ben alone and awkwardly tells him that she thinks about "doing things" with him at night.  Then, in a dress where she really can't move her legs, she proceeds to try to climb on top of him and straddle him.  But she's shy and this is not her thing and it's just awkward.  And every time they start kissing, she starts giggling and, since he is so effing bitchy this week, he reprimands her for laughing.

She climbs off and they try kissing again with her literally instructing him on when to open and close his mouth and then FINALLY it stops because he says he can't take it anymore.  Neither can I!  And the rest you will have to Youtube because I hate scary movies and this was basically a horror show.  My eyes!  My eyes!  My ears!  My ears!  I will never truly recover.  This was not for the Bachelor novice.

Rose Ceremony

Well, it's no mystery who is going home, although Jamie says she doesn't know what Ben is thinking.  Really, Jamie?  You seem like a smart girl relative to the others.  You don't know where this is going?  Well, maybe you just lose perspective when you're being brainwashed for this show.

Anyway, he sends Jamie home and they're off to Belize because ... well, it's close by.  And at least Courtney doesn't announce that she was just there two months ago this time.

And, just like that, another Bachelor episode comes to a close.  Although this time I feel I need some time to recover.

xo - N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Gets To First Base (At Least)

Yeah, I know.  My Bachelor recap was conspicuously absent this week.  Mostly because I watched the show with some friends and got to vent my utter disbelief on the spot.

But still I must exchange at least some thoughts with you all.  (PS I have a cold, so if this makes no sense, blame the Nyquil.  Is that even how you spell Nyquil?)

Anyway, the gang is off to The W Retreat & Spa in Vieques, Puerto Rico.  "If you don't get a rose, you'll be on a plane back to the United States," warns host Chris Harrison.  I love me some CH, but isn't Puerto Rico IN the United States?

Anyway, the first date card is in Spanish and, well, you can just imagine how our girls fair with that situation.  The PhD Emily interprets the message for them ... of course.

Nicky gets the date and is all excited, dressed up in a heinous asymmetrical number that's anything but flattering.  I recommend wearing dresses with two shoulders.  It increases your chances of staying.  Just saying.

The date is good enough so that Ben doesn't send her home (and it even affords him the chance to kiss her in the rain -- so wonderfully on the nose!), but I don't think he likes her enough that she'll be sticking around for long.  She exchanges her soaked one shoulder dress for an even uglier handkerchief frock plucked from some local store and, well, I would have sent her home just for picking it out.  She seems nice though.  She remarks that "any woman would be lucky to have" Ben and I'm not convinced.  But anyway.

Back at the house, the group date card is read and Patty from Millionaire Matchmaker (truly I can't remember the girl's real name anymore) will be getting the one-on-one.  She's super excited, even though everyone and her mother at home knows she'll be sent packing.  Actually, Courtney -- psychopath though she seems to be -- says that Patty will be going home: "I hope I get her number.  I could use a personal trainer," she quips.  Always a kind word.

The group date is a baseball game ... in a porno.  The girls are dressed like Hooters waitresses in short shorts, but they're as ladylike and classy as a pack of drunk Red Sox fans.  (Requisite dig from a Yankee fan -- sorry!)  The girls are separated into teams and only one group will get to spend the evening with Ben, who BTW has even worse hair in Puerto Rico than everywhere else.  Sure, it's not as flat, but now it's a frizzy poof.  Bad scene.

Blakely, Emily, Rachel and the nurse (whose name I am blanking yet again) lose and Blakely is CRUSHED.  When the inevitable helicopter comes to pick up the other team and Ben, she shouts, "I hope you guys throw  up!"  She's gone coocoo for Coco Puffs, if you ask me.

Kacie B. gets the group date rose, which isn't too much of a shocker and, for once, Courtney is worried.  Ben has his date with Patty, which is really too brutal to get into.  Suffice it to say that she wears a one shoulder dress too and has a total breakdown when he sends her home mid-date.

Afterward, Ben goes back to his hotel room and Courtney -- who is obviously HAMMERED -- sneaks over in just a robe and underwear and convinces him fairly easily to go skinny dipping, full monty.  She literally tells him, "I'm about to rock your world."  I'm starting to think she's mostly insane because she's drunk all the time.

The scene is pretty racy as far as I'm concerned because they're clearly buck naked and making out in the water.  We speculated about whether they had sex, but we think probably it was just heavy petting.  But who knows?  Courtney knows!

Anyway, at the cocktail party, PhD Emily apologizes to Ben for trash talking about Courtney the week before ... and then proceeds to do it again.  Don't get me wrong: This strikes me as unwatchably awkward.  I want to scream "No!  Don't do it!" like I'm watching a horror movie.  But Ben's response is a HUGE turn off.  He is incredibly condescending, speaking to her as if he were disciplining a child.  "What I encourage you to do ... blah blah blah."  Between this and the totally harsh way he dismissed simple Samantha last week, I'm starting to think maybe he's not such a nice guy.  Maybe he and Courtney deserve each other?

And then there's the rose ceremony and redhead Jennifer goes home, I'm guessing because she's got the friend vibe.  I guess the best kisser in the house paled in comparison to the best ocean hand job giver (that's Courtney).  But now is when it gets good because he's mostly got girls left who have at least SOME shot.

See you next week, when Courtney does something else insane!

xo - N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Goes To Utah

Here we are in Utah, a state that's quite familiar with multiple women dating one single man!  Woo hoo.  Well, it's Sundance right now in real time in Park City, so I have to imagine they timed it that way for some reason?  Or maybe it's a weird coincidence?

Anyhoo, the Bachelor episode opens and sister wife Kacie B. is freaking out.  She says she needs another date with Ben this week or she's going to lose it.  Um.  Kacie B.  It's gonna be a while before you have a second one-on-one.  There are still like 700 other girls.

Still, her panic reminds me of JP on Ashley's season and starts to make me think that maybe she actually really clicked with Ben and that they might end up together.

Anyway, it's Rachel's one-on-one date.  And she's gone mute.  She's crazy shy maybe?  She keeps talking about all the pressure of first dates.  They're on a row boat and it's so dull that the massive amount of mosquitoes are pulling focus.

Back at the house, the girls hate Courtney - newsflash!  She says she blossoms around Ben and shuts down around the girls.  If that's how you want to describe it, el psycho!  Anyway, she's all prepped for her first group date and PhD Emily says hopefully Ben will see the truth about her.

Back on the date, Rachel gets a rose, probably because she has a cool voice, she's pretty and she admitted that she has trouble "opening up."  By that I guess she means talking?  They swap marshmallows.  That's not a euphemism for anything.  He describes their potential relationship as a "slow burn."

Ben shows up on the group date on a horse. That's soooo Lindzi.  It is beautiful there, I have to say.  One of the girls says, "How attractive does he look right now?"  A few comment on how nature doesn't get more beautiful AND it's only better because they're with Ben ... and a bunch of other hoochie chicks.

Courtney says the date isn't about catching trout.  It's about catching Ben.  She says the other girls aren't on their game, but Ben is paying attention to Kacie B.  Courtney says she's going to turn the date into a one-on-one.  But Lindzi isn't having it.  Don't matter though because Courtney catches a fish and apparently that's exciting.

At drinks, Ben chats with Kacie S., who I thought was Samantha.  Whatever.  They're both blond.  Blakely is wearing a terrible hat.  Nicki connects with him over losing loved ones and we find out that a friend of Ben's died right before he started the show.  Just then, Samantha shows up and acts like an idiot.  Such bad timing!  She's clearly dumb as dirt and tries to challenge him, asking why she hasn't gotten a one-on-one.  He gets pissed and pushes back.  Don't test him, mofo.  He has a temper.  We saw it when Ashley dumped him.  I kinda like it.  He don't take crap.

He tells her that he's observed that she's overly emotional on group dates.  He sends her straight home, saying that she doesn't take the whole thing seriously enough.  She was absurd, but -- wow -- that was harsh.  He thought she was being a bitch, but she was actually just being a moron.  Sorry, Samantha.  Bye bye.

Courtney, always eloquent and kind, says, "It's nice to see Ben sending girls home.  Another one bites the dust."

Ben gives Kacie B. one-on-one time during the date.  He likes her, for reals.  He always gives her extra time.  He likes her a lot and he says that he's "in trouble."   They still have to go through this whole process!  He says, "I might end up with her.  She's wonderful."

Then he's with Courtney and he is so whipped by her model ass.  She manipulates him into giving her the rose by saying that her feelings are wavering.  But she's so hot that he panics.  (BTW -- his hair is wet and away from his face and he looks SO much better.)

The other women are all upset.  But what else is new?

The next one-on-one is with "good kisser" Jennifer, who I think he might keep around for making out purposes, but not for real.  I don't even know why I feel that way.  They're going to climb down/rappel into a crater.  Meanwhile, all I can think is that I want to re-color her way too red hair.

They lower into the water.  It's a metaphor for a relationship, unknown waters blah blah blah.  It rains etc. blah blah blah.

Back at the house, Blakely is doing Emily's highlights.  Obviously, she's not so hated anymore.  They all hate Courtney and -- wait! -- that girl Jamie who took care of her siblings when her parents died is still around.  I didn't even realize!  We haven't even seen them talk.

Back on the date, there's a country music concert and OMG thank goodness -- it's not an awkward personal show.  Phew.  But just when I think we're safe, they go right up to the stage and sway.  Eek.

Anyway, on to the cocktail party, where Emily tries to warn Ben about Courtney and instead ends up looking bad.  Courtney is evil, saying Emily is on her "shit list."   She's such a psychopath and I can only imagine that Ben is blind to it because she's so hot (as evidenced by "scenes from next week," when she strips down completely and goes skinny dipping with him).

Monica -- who appeared to possibly be into Blakely on the first episode -- is sent home and is upset, but it's confusing because her goodbye with Ben makes it seem like they've barely talked.

I'm worried about next episode, when Emily seems to try to warn Ben AGAIN for some stupid reason and Courtney just gets naked to get her way.  I guess we'll have to wait and see.  Ben can't rightly go skinny dipping with her and make out naked in the water and then send her home, so I'm guessing she'll be sticking around.

Still, my favorite moment in the entire episode?  When Ben announces that they're going to "Vieques, Puerto Rico!" at the end and -- amidst the other girls' shrieks of happiness -- Courtney pouts, "I was just there two months ago."

Really, Ben?  Really?  I'm not even going to talk about the accent he used when he said "Puerto Rico."

xo - N.